Nautical Skull: Tinctures & Tonics

Drown away your sorrows and anomalies.

Left to Right:

The Scrying Homunculus - The Pensive Draught(cherry) - Ichor Vapor - Peeper Leaf

Uncanny Problems, Uncanny Solutions:

Ladies, gentlemen, and all addlepated persons!

As stated in our 'Greetings', this blog's mission is to provide you with the necessary knowledge to avoid or await unfortunate and grizzly ends.

• There's been a recent epidemic of Spontaneous Aves Expulsion (SAE).

  • Symptoms include a slight cough followed by a torrent of birds shooting up one's gullet.

  • Spreads via anyone who becomes aware of its existence.

However, despite efforts, a slew of ailments can still affect the mind, body, and soul. Everyday we face the possibility of our existence being altered by the whimsy of the Rift Sea.

• What's one to do if they wake with a sideways mouth or a second head?

• How does one cope with a Dark Lord's soul taking up residence in their prostate?

Fear not! Uncanny problems require uncanny solutions, and we- at Lighthouse Inc.- present to you a solution: Nautical Skull: Tinctures & Tonics! The first Potion Brewery and Sanative Bar of its kind!

Nautical Skull:

By means of alchemy, witchcraft, and unattended children- Nautical Skull offers customers alternative means of healing, self-improvement, and the cosmic equivalent of getting sozzled.

Founded by Sister Witches Calli and Merliah, all walks of life can enter their shop on Wyccawit Lane and find a potion, tonic, or brew to satisfy their needs or remedy their unworldly malady. After paying an initial entry fee and signing a Name Pact, all potions will be available for consumption.

• Disclaimer: 'all walks of life' not entirely accurate.

  • Witch Hunters must provide ID so next of kin can be notified of their untimely demise.

  • Doctors are welcome so long as they renounce their "false gods" at the door (you don't have to believe it, Merliah just wants to hear you say it).

  • Pets must be able to talk or colored black. Yapping dogs will be boiled.

• Entry Fee options include:

  • Many toads.

  • Unwanted fingers (toes included).

  • A childhood pet (preferably alive).

  • A child (on Wednesdays, entry fee is reduced to the low cost of a middle child).

  • $15 paid exclusively in pennies (insisted by Calli).

• Name Pact: name must be given at the door. This serves as a binding contract that you- the customer- won't be actin' a fool. Being greedy with potions, loitering, destruction of property, or simply pissing off the Sisters will result in immediate combustion or a year of unpaid service as a Familiar.

That's right! With so many options, Nautical Skull is a business made with your atypical illness in mind, so as long as you're prepared to deal with the side-effects.

Tonics and Tinctures:

Some notable potions include:

• The Scrying Homunculus: key for diagnosis, the Scrying Homunculus speaks of what ails you as long as it receives a drop of your blood. A swig from its embryonic fluid can allow one to learn forbidden truths about the universe.

  • Side-Effects: drinking embryonic fluid can result in an hour of sporadic migraines as well as looking like a complete nutter.

  • Warning: prolonged exposure can lead one to becoming easily susceptible to the Homunculus' manipulation. Unofficial incantations proposed by the Homunculus must be assumed as hostile and will be subject to scrutiny. Anyone exposed to the Scrying Homunculus for more than an hour, or told it's name, will be kept under surveillance.

• The Pensive Draught: true to its name, the Pensive Draught causes one to become hyper aware of their own thoughts and the thoughts of others. Thoughts are always of a brooding nature, concerning one's shortcomings, broken-hearts, and shoegaze. This is a favorite among artists, poets, and college students. Good for anyone suffering from memory disorders or afflictions in cognitive abilities.

  • Side-Effects: drinking alone can lead to six hours of obsessive artwork, be it poetry, paintings, or music. All art, without fail, will be of an anomalous nature related to the psyche of the artist. 'The Midnight Diel,' famed poem by writer Anderson Gjore, removes itself from memory while maintaining its emotional impact and influence.

  • Warning: following the Run on Reverb Pedals incident, customers are limited to two shots.

• Ichor Vapor: doubling as a drink and an inhalant, a single inhale of Ichor Vapor can remove inhibitions, both physical and mental, for up to three hours. This includes, but not limited to: doubt, arthritis, anxiety, I.Q., any form of paralysis, and morality. A gulp can cause temporary invincibility (proportioned to consumed amount). Good for people dealing with anxiety or wanting to cause trouble.

  • Warning: Ichor Vapor was harvested from the blood of Demon Lord Subere. Prolonged exposure can lead to the erosion of one's previous psyche and the gradual transmutation of one's body. Users are limited to no more than one shot every three nights. Vapor can be inhaled thrice a day.

• Peeper Leaf: a customer favorite, Peeper Leaf is a tea that takes on the drinker's desired flavor, scent, and (in extreme cases) appearance. It was later discovered the Peeper Leaf to be capable of revealing the flaw in everything else that is observed by the drinker (flaws noticed are relative to the observer). Good for people wishing to diagnose themselves or nitpick.

  • Side-Effects: can cause one to become hyper-observant and surprisingly articulate. Those with obsessive personalities will gain a borderline psychotic need to fix said flaws.

  • Warning: Peeper Leaf should be limited to one helping a day. Abuse can lead to dissatisfaction with every aspect of life outside of the Peeper Leaf. Recent generations have gone as far as writing fanfic of themselves winning the heart of a "Peeper-Chan." This behavior should be reported immediately, with all access to the internet cut.

But these are only a few of the wide library of potions, tonics, and abnormal cures- and with the Sister Witches watching over, there's a very little (slight) chance of anything going wrong!

Background

Sister Witches, Calli and Merliah, founded Nautical Skull after leaving the Coven of Cepthul last December. Their dream? To move out west to become movie stars. They instead settled with Crag City, setting up shop in the Old Burrow Library downtown.

• The library was abandoned after the appearance of the Head Plants.

In an interview with Amon Reed, Calli and Merliah explained the philosophy of their business (transcribed by an intern).

• Merliah: "Cunnoot troos dose measly medicines fum dose slimy ductors struttin' round in der gons and misks. Gevoop on der gods and surrinder control."

• Calli: "The uncanny is... uncanny. You can't explain it- you can't quantify it. That's the point... *chuckle* or rather, lack of. That's what these doctors, intellectuals... haven't figured out: it is INSANITY to rationally solve the irrational. Only the irrational can do that. And it has... n't."

• Midst their stereotypical fits of witchy cackles and chuckles, the interview was put on hold as Amon Reed looked for a translator.

With great(ish) service, a wide variety of potions; and an horrifically authentic, gothic atmosphere surrounded by Head Plants; Lighthouse Inc. recommends Nautical Skull: Tinctures and Tonics for your anomalous needs!

• Though our meteorologist, Eleanor Melony, now has talons and feathers, she is no less thankful for being cured of her motion-sickness.

This is R.J. Smithers from Lighthouse 31, signing off.

Thank you, and remember:

"Everything is Fine. You're not going to Die."